What is Asexual? Everything you need to know!

Often misunderstood, asexual people tend to experience sexual attraction and romantic attraction very differently from other people within the LGBTQ+ community.

Broader society mainly likes to focus on sexual or romantic attraction which can be important for other sexual orientations, asexual people often experience sexual attraction and experience romantic attraction in very tiny amounts if at all.

It is really important in understanding asexuality that it is definitely a spectrum and people who identify as asexual might even experience sexual desire if they are with a committed partner. Others however have no interest in sexual contact with anybody and that is fine too.

We’re going to look at the huge range of people who identify as asexual and what separates asexual people from other people within the LGBTQ+ community as well as relationships and more!

Understanding Asexuality as a Sexual Orientation

An asexual person might refer to themself as “ace” or a part of the “ace community” which is simply an abbreviated term for asexual.

On the whole, a person who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction. However, this is not the same as people who choose a life of celibacy as they make a choice to withhold from sexual activity whereas asexual people do not feel the urge to have sexual contact with others. People in the ace community often have no sexual drive and no desire to engage in sexual activity whereas celibacy is often for religious reasons.

Of course, sexuality is a very personal thing and some ace people might have very unique ways of describing their own experiences. It’s really interesting to speak to members of the ace community as they often have incredibly individual outlooks on not only their own feelings but how the LGBTQ+ community has navigated asexuality in general. It is definitely a part of the larger community that often gets overlooked so it is always nice to raise awareness and visibility wherever possible.

The Asexual Community Spectrum

Within the asexual community, you’ll find a few different ways of being an asexual person that can get missed within the asexual education network. Let’s take a look at asexuality as a spectrum so we can see how many asexual people feel about their romantic life.

• Asexual: People who identify as asexual have zero sexual attraction to any person regardless of their gender or orientation.
• Gray asexual: People who identify as gray asexual experience sexual attraction very rarely or only under specific circumstances. They may also be bisexual or have some place within homosexuality depending on who they feel an attraction to.
• Demisexual: People who identify as demisexual only experience sexual attraction to people who they have already formed a deep emotional connection with. Once again, people may identify as bisexual, gay, or lesbian within this too.

There are various reasons why someone might just simply say they are asexual, especially as there is a lack of education network when it comes to intimacy outside of heterosexual relationships. Some people might not even know the difference or be able to describe the difference between the different sexualities on the asexual spectrum so it’s important to remain educated on the topic so you can describe them to people should they ask!

Romantic Attraction and Orientation Within Asexuality

Now that is a mouthful! As we’ve said in the above paragraph, within the asexual spectrum you’ll also get different sexual orientations too. We’ve broken them down into a quick guide for you to understand romantic attraction within asexuality a bit better.

• Aromantic: Experiences little to no romantic attraction.
• Heteroromantic: Feels romantic attraction to the opposite gender.
• Homoromantic: Feels romantic attraction to the same gender.
• Biromantic: Experiences romantic attraction to multiple genders.
• Panromantic: Feels romantic attraction regardless of gender.
• Demiromantic: Experiences romantic attraction only after forming a deep bond.

It’s really important to remember when discussing asexuality that whilst they do not experience sexual attraction, many asexual people do experience romantic attraction to people. For many asexual people, understanding the difference between a sexual or romantic attraction can be one of the things that cause them to stumble into the world of asexuality in the first place and even find a community.

Whilst asexual people do not have sexual relationships many enjoy incredibly fulfilling romantic relationships. These romantic relationships can be with people who are also asexual and also people who are not so don’t be surprised if you meet asexual people in romantic relationships as it is fairly common.

What is the Difference Between Asexuality and Celibacy? Do Both Experience Sexual Attraction?

So first of all, celibacy is definitely not a part of the LGBTQ+ community or a sexual orientation at all. In fact, most people living a life of celibacy do so for religious reasons and still have feelings of sexual desire, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction regardless of their sexual orientation.

People who identify as asexual do not choose to withhold from sexual behaviors but simply feel no sexual desire. It could simply be put that celibacy is a choice whereas people who identify as asexual do not choose that, they simply are asexual!

People who choose to be celibate will still feel sexually attracted to other people and may even have previously been involved in sexual activity in some way, shape or form. They may even go on to live a life enjoying sexual activity too if they only chose to be celibate until marriage for example.

Common Misconceptions About Asexuality and Asexual Individuals

Despite there being an international asexuality day (6th April!), there is still a huge problem with asexual visibility. The lack of asexual visibility and clear definition within society between sexual behaviors, aesthetic attraction, and romantic attraction has led to there being many, many myths and misconceptions about asexual people and asexuality in general.

Let’s bust some myths about being asexual!

• “Asexual people just haven’t met the right person.” Asexuality is an orientation, not a phase that will change with time.
• “Asexuality is a medical condition.” Asexuality is not a disorder and does not require treatment. The need to engage in sexual acts simply doesn’t exist for them.
• “Asexual people can’t form relationships.” Many asexual individuals have fulfilling romantic and emotional relationships with people of any gender.
• “Asexuality means no sex at all.” Some asexual people engage in sexual activity for various reasons, such as sex with a partner.

Just because an asexual person has low interest or no interest in sex doesn’t mean they don’t feel some form of an attraction to a person but on the other hand, if an asexual person has no desire to be in relationships at all, that’s fine too!

What does matter though is that when discussing how somebody views themself you should always remain respectful and understanding. Everybody can help to educate and bring a new level of understanding regardless of their role within the LGBTQ+ community so simply by listening and supporting someone who needs you, you are being a powerful ally to the group.

Asexuality and Attraction in Relationships

If you ask a person who identifies as being on some part of the asexuality spectrum to describe their perfect partner, some will describe a person they are attracted to but have no sex with, others will describe a deep, emotional connection and sex, whereas others might refer to a person who seems more like a very close friend yet to them, they are everything.

A partner in asexuality is so much more than who you are attracted to. In heterosexual relationships we often see a partner with poor communication skills which is something that simply cannot work in ace relationships. You’ll find people in the ace community tend to do more than just act okay and bottle up emotions. An ace relationship takes a bunch of communication and trust which in this day and age, is wonderful.

Let’s look at how a romantic relationship might look for someone with this sexual orientation.

Emotional Relationships

Many asexual individuals prioritize emotional and romantic connections over physical intimacy. You can have a deep, romantic connection with your partner yet never act on anything remotely sexual. So many people, regardless or age and orientation, make sex and desire a huge part of their identity in a relationship which can become very unhealthy.

Asexuality opens the door for a very pure and beautiful form of attraction that takes desire to a different dimension that can engage a whole different meaning of love.

Compromise and Boundaries

Partners may negotiate aspects of their relationship to ensure mutual comfort and satisfaction. For some people on the asexuality spectrum this can include a slow move into a time where they feel comfortable to engage in sex. Depending on the identity of the ace person, they might eventually feel desire to have sex with their partner or do sexual things. That move from a non sexual to a sexual relationship in asexuality can mean a lot of discussions about boundaries and how they navigate new horizons and experience arousal.

Queerplatonic Relationships

Some asexual individuals form deep, committed partnerships without traditional romantic or sexual elements. This is a totally non sexual relationship where sexual acts are completely off the table. Within the LGBTQ+ community and sexuality spectrum there have been many cases in the past where the sexual identity of a couple was secret for their own safety and they lived “as friends” despite being a gay, lesbian, or bisexual couple.

However, this kind of romantic connection within asexuality is not like the gay and bisexual friendships that litter history books. Instead of hiding the fact that the asexual person is bisexual or gay they are totally open about their orientation and live as a couple in a way that isn’t like a traditional romantic relationship. They will still often refer to the other person as a spouse or partner or boyfriend/girlfriend depending on their age but the relationships often have unique qualities that only the people involved truly know the full story.

Asexuality on the Big Screen

In this day and age it is becoming more common to see media refer to various letters of the LGBTQ+ community as they start to become a little more interested in writing fairly represented gay characters.

Romantic attraction and desire play huge roles in most mainstream media so asexuality is often left out of big screen productions. The lack of desire to engage in sexual acts doesn’t necessarily define asexuality but it has meant this often lack of romantic partner leads to characters never being written.

We’ve seen more and more characters in same gender relationships, romantic orientation being explored and sexual behaviors looked at in shows like Euphoria and Sex Education that its no surprise that Hollywood has begun to refer to characters as asexual.

Here’s a few characters that have identified their orientation as being somewhere on the asexuality spectrum:

• Viktor: From Arcane
• Todd Chavez: Bojack Horseman
• Yolanda Buenaventura: Bojack Horseman
• Elijah: Big Mouth
• Peridot: Steven Universe
• Seligman: Nymphomaniac
• Todd: Straight Up
• Corey: Before I Let Go
• Misty Day: American Horror Story
• Sarah Owens: Sex Education

Coming Out As Asexual and Accepting Your Orientation

For many people who refer to their coming out process they are usually speaking about telling friends or family members that they are gay. There are not many stories about people telling loved ones they are asexual or are questioning their orientation and considering they fit somewhere on the asexuality spectrum.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation and the mental health of anybody accepting their own sexual orientation should be put first. It doesn’t really matter what your sexual attraction or sexual orientation is as who you are sexually attracted to is only really between you and the other person. However, when you feel you’re ready to come out to the people around you, it is incredibly important to prioritize safety.

Who you are sexually attracted to or are not in this case, should never be something that puts you in danger but if it is, make sure you have some form of safe exit plan should you need it.

Planning a therapist or counsellor to discuss who you’re sexually or romantically attracted to can be a huge help for your mental health, especially if you’ve been brought up in an environment where sexuality is shamed.

Since asexuality is a sexual orientation you might be able to find charities in your local area who can help you craft a perfect coming out plan to help you feel more comfortable.

Explaining Your Identity

When many people come out and disclose their sexuality to those around them the subject of sex is never really discussed. However, with asexuality, some people might have questions, especially when it comes to levels of attraction, desire, or simply how you identify on the spectrum.

It’s really important to realize that just because you’re coming out of the asexuality closet, you do not owe anybody any more of an explanation about your sexuality or how you identify than someone coming out as a lesbian. Your sexual desire or lack of desire never needs to be discussed in detail by anybody who it does not affect so do not feel pressured into explaining your romantic or sexual attraction any more than you are comfortable with.

On the other hand, should you want to use your own asexuality to educate the people around you, you can definitely explain your levels of desire and what gender they are or are not for. You might choose to describe the person you would most see yourself with or where you identify on the spectrum of asexuality.

You can even discuss the differences between the choice to engage in celibacy and what it means for your identity to fall somewhere within asexuality.

Overall, the choice is entirely yours and you should feel comfortable however you choose to explain and reveal your identity and sexuality to another person.

Visibility for Asexuality

When you look up the different sexual orientations you can find tonnes of events, clubs, and information for some of the sexual orientations but not always for those who fall within asexuality.

Regardless of what gender or level of attraction a person feels within asexuality, there isn’t currently much media to engage with, especially in more rural areas.

If you’d like to improve visibility for asexuality within your area you can absolutely start your own group. You could run it as a book club for people whose attraction only falls within the asexual realms or your might open it to any person who supports asexual people regardless of romantic orientation, aesthetic attraction, sexual attraction, or gender.

You could provide local libraries with pamphlets describing how asexuality is a sexual identity and describe the sexual drive, romantic orientation, sexual attraction, and more of a person who would engage as a part of the asexual spectrum. You could even speak to people who place their identity as a slightly different part of asexuality so you get a full range of gender and attraction levels.

Support Asexual People and Educate Those Around You

Asexuality is a totally valid and diverse sexual orientation. While misconceptions remain in place, increasing awareness and representation are helping to normalize and validate asexual identities.

Getting to know asexuality only improves conversations about human relationships and makes sure that all orientations are respected and acknowledged. Sexual attraction is often viewed as a key component of relationships, but for asexual individuals, attraction is experienced differently.

Romantic orientation plays an important role in how a person navigates connections, whether they are romantically attracted to a specific gender or not. While some asexual people may engage in sexual activity for various reasons regardless of gender, others do not feel compelled by sexual attraction.

The distinction between romantic orientation and sexual attraction only highlights the complexity of identity, as different people experience attraction in diverse ways. By continuing our conversations around gender, attraction, and identity, society can move toward greater understanding and inclusion for everybody.

FAQ

What does it mean to be asexual?

Being asexual means not experiencing sexual attraction toward others, regardless of gender. Asexual people (sometimes called \”aces\”) don’t feel drawn to others sexually, though they may experience other forms of attraction such as romantic, aesthetic, or emotional attraction. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a choice or medical condition. It exists on a spectrum, with some people experiencing no sexual attraction whatsoever and others experiencing it rarely or only under specific circumstances.

How is asexuality different from celibacy?

Celibacy is a behavioral choice to abstain from sexual activity despite experiencing sexual attraction. In contrast, asexuality is an orientation characterized by not experiencing sexual attraction in the first place. A celibate person may feel sexual desire but chooses not to act on it (often for religious, personal, or health reasons), while an asexual person simply doesn’t feel sexually attracted to others. Asexual people may or may not engage in sexual activity – their defining characteristic is the lack of sexual attraction, not necessarily the absence of sexual behavior.

Can asexual people have romantic relationships?

Yes, many asexual people desire and maintain fulfilling romantic relationships. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate experiences, and many asexual individuals feel romantic attraction toward others. These people may identify as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, or with other romantic orientations depending on which genders they’re romantically attracted to. Asexual romantic relationships often emphasize emotional intimacy, companionship, and non-sexual forms of physical affection. Some asexual people also form relationships with sexual people, which may involve compromise and clear communication about boundaries and needs.

What types of asexual identities exist?

The asexual spectrum includes various identities that reflect different experiences of sexual attraction. These include: 1) Strictly asexual people who never experience sexual attraction; 2) Demisexual individuals who only feel sexual attraction after forming strong emotional bonds; 3) Greysexual people who experience sexual attraction rarely or with low intensity; 4) Aegosexual people who may enjoy sexual fantasy but don’t desire to participate in sexual activities themselves; and 5) Cupiosexual individuals who don’t experience sexual attraction but still desire sexual relationships. Additionally, asexual people may be aromantic (not experiencing romantic attraction) or romantic (experiencing romantic attraction to one or more genders).

Are there dating sites specifically for asexual people?

Yes, several dating platforms cater specifically to asexual individuals or are inclusive of asexual identities. Dedicated asexual dating sites include Asexualitic and ACEapp, which are designed specifically for the ace community. Additionally, some mainstream dating platforms like OkCupid have incorporated asexual as an orientation option and allow users to specify their romantic orientation separately from sexual orientation. The LGBTQ+ focused platforms Taimi and Zoe have also become more inclusive of asexual users. These platforms help asexual people connect with compatible partners who understand and respect their orientation, though they vary in user base size, features, and geographic coverage.